Thursday, November 1, 2012

Candy and Creepers

I’ll just come right out and say it, I despise passing out candy on beggar's night.
It’s always cold and kids are greedy. That pretty much sums it up. We spend a decent amount of money on candy and don’t even get to enjoy it. Normally we buy 1-2 bags each week at the store starting at the beginning of October to spread out the cost. Yes, we’re cheap frugal, that’s not the point. We don’t open the bags because it’s too tempting to eat it all the entire month and then be left with nothing to pass out. Although, this year we broke the golden rule and I’ve eaten more chocolate in the past 2 weeks than the entire year leading up to Halloween.

The first year we were in our house, we decided to buy the cheap bag of random candy no one has ever heard of. Ya know, the one with the hard candy in clear wrapping. Yep, gross. After receiving a jawbreaker or something as equally disappointing, one little girl yelled back to her friend, heading to our door, “you can skip them, they don’t have anything good”. Nice. First of all, how ungrateful. Second of all, you are so right, little witch. No seriously, she was dressed as a witch. Scarred for life by a 6 year old, we vowed never to purchase that mixed bag of cheapness again. Now we must buy the good stuff like Reese cups, Kit Kats, Crunch bars, Snickers and York Peppermint Patties. Or maybe we buy those because they’re my favorite and I’m secretly hoping no kids show up so I can keep it all. Is that so wrong?

Then there are the kids who go trick-or-treating when they’re clearly too old. Or trampy. I don’t remember how old I was when I stopped going, but I’m fairly certain I wasn’t out there as a high school student like kids are now. You probably have a job, so buy your own candy, ya jerks. Plus, I don’t want to see your tush in that stripper Raggedy Ann doll costume you’re too young to be wearing. I hate the older kids out there. Makes me want to scold them like an old lady. Or perhaps I’m just worried that they’ll judge me when I only give them one piece of candy. Hello, I’m trying to have leftovers for myself, remember?

There was another time that I gave a group of boys some candy and they proceeded to turn around and throw it all at each other! And this was good candy that year! It was all over my driveway and in the road and I came very close to going all honey badger on their asses.  Until my husband told me to bite my tongue. These were clearly the kind of hellions that would come back and egg our house. Creeps.

So why do I pass out candy if I hate it so much, you ask? Because, despite my previous statements, I’m actually not a troll of a person and I do think kids deserve a little treat on Halloween. Plus, if we ever have kids of our own, I would appreciate all the neighbors giving them candy so it all evens out.

Last night we sat in the 35 degree misting rain and waited for kids to come. The weather sucked but there were a decent amount of Trick-or-Treaters. Here are the highlights of the evening:

1) A group of teenage girls approached us with white outfits covered in fake blood. My husband said "whoa, did you have an accident?" and laughed. One girl replied "I like blood" like a mental patient while another (in fishnet stockings) said "I was murdered at the strip club". Wha?! First of all, you're like 14. Second of all, couldn't you have just said you were murdered? Which is strange enough, but why add the strip club? Freaks.

2) Four or five kids came up to the house at the same time and Brandon happened to hand a girl a Kit Kat. Her friend goes "YES! I love Kit Kats" but Brandon reached in our bowl, pulled out a PayDay and dropped it in her bag before she could finish her sentence. He goes "bummer" and she ran away telling her friend "you better switch with me". We're not giving her TWO pieces just so she can get a Kit Kat and reaching in her bag to take the PayDay back to switch out is just weird. Does this make up horrible people? We thought it was funny.

3) Our neighbors across the street just leave a bowl of candy out on the porch for kids to take. Next thing we know, a pizza delivery guy pulled into their driveway and walked to the front door. For who knows what reason, our neighbor came to the door, took the pizzas and said "hang on" shutting the door in his face. Meanwhile, kids were coming up to the porch a taking candy from the bowl. One kid said "look mom, he dressed up as a pizza man". The guy never made eye contact with the kids and was probably thinking "ca'mon lady, what's taking so long in there" trying to avoid more comments about his "costume".

4) Every year we seem to get a few parents that follow their kids around in their cars, and last night was no exception. There were at least three. Why do parents do this?! Are you seriously too lazy to walk around the neighborhood with your kid? Do you not want to be out in the same cold weather you're putting your child out in? Perhaps you have a foot injury and crutches are hard to maneuver through packed sidewalks. Ok, I'll buy that. But if you're just too lazy, I think you're pathetic. Besides, you look creepy following kids around in your van. Knock it off!

5) We have this five minute rule when it comes time to close up shop. Our fingers are frozen and our candy bowl is nearly empty but we always feel bad for those last kiddos walking around. Maybe they're parents don't get off work until later and by the time they get home and changed into costumes, it's the end of beggar's night. We have to stay out there for them. So we wait. Five minutes. If no kids come in 5 minutes, we call it a night even if it's before the official end at 8pm. Last night when our stopwatch said 4 minutes and 30 seconds, we saw another wave of kids turn the corner, heading toward our house to which Brandon said "I see at least two pirates coming for my booty" and we both lost it.

All in all, Trick-or-Treat wasn't bad this year. No jerks to spoil the fun, so I was pleased. How did it go in your neighborhoods?

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