Sandy's a comin'

Yes, we all know there is a hurricane out there ready to hit land but are you prepared?

We live in Ohio so I'm not really worried about it, but those of you on the coast better watch out. I don't want to hear stories on the news about how you didn't prepare and now you're sad and your puppy is lost. I love puppies, but maybe yours is better off without you since you seem to be irresponsible. Just sayin'. Here's what I think you should do to prepare:

1) Find a deck of cards - Boredom sets in when you lose power and cards are what people played to stay entertained before Facebook. Brush up on your Rummy skills and kick your husband's ass. Better find a piece of paper and a pen while your at it because keeping score is mucho importante. Unless you lose, then shred that shit and deny, deny, deny.

2) Secure your outdoor furniture - Seriously, I wouldn't want your glass table breaking apart in my yard and having to yell at you. While you're at it, put away your grill, chairs, pink flamingos, childrens toys, tacky portable plastic gazebo and that blowup pool you still haven't put away from this summer.

3) Charge your phone - There's nothing like not being able to tell your family that you're safe and having them go all panic mode and call the cops from another state to go check on you to make sure you didn't drown only to find out you're living it up in a Red Roof Inn watching HBO and not charging your friggin' phone.

4) Gas up your vehicle - This is a must. How else are you going to drive around after the storm to see all the damage it did to your neighborhood? Don't kid yourself, this is your favorite part. You can act all concerned but I know you're really thinking "their house is totally flooded... neat".

5) Stock up on Halloween candy - When you can't cook legit meals without power, you can absolutely live on Halloween candy. Ladies, chocolate will keep you happy because let's face it, when the power is out and we have no control over things, we all need a little bite of chocolate sanity.

6) Do your laundry - Ya know those piles you've been walking by for a week? Well, it's even harder to do laundry without power so get to it. And hurry because you don't want to have a load in the washer when the storm hits and have it start stinking up the place. I mean seriously, is there anything worse than smelling the washer after you forgot about those clothes? Foul. 

7) Update your Facebook status - I put this on the list because you might as well write something super interesting like "wish me luck, the storm's a brewin' here" as if we care. We're really just waiting for that second update saying "I have to take a row boat to get to my house" and hope you post a picture, then wait for the comments to roll in with empty offers to help.

So there you have it. Then if you need to evacuate, hop in your vehicle with that full tank of gas with your deck of cards, charged cell phone, Halloween candy and fresh laundry. And you might as well stop somewhere for booze because when you get back to your house in that row boat, you're gonna need it.